Becoming a Mother: Finding Yourself in the Middle of Everything

Mother’s Day can stir up many things: joy, gratitude, grief, ambivalence, or even longing. For many women, becoming a mother isn’t just a physical or logistical change, it’s an identity shift, a reorientation of who you are and how you move through the world. This post is for mothers who are in the middle of that “becoming.” It’s also for those who are reckoning with how their own mother (or lack thereof) shaped their journey into motherhood.

The Identity Shift of Becoming a Mother

Becoming a mother changes everything: your time, your body, your priorities, your relationships, including the one with yourself. It can feel disorienting, as if you’ve stepped into a life that is both deeply familiar and utterly foreign. You may grieve your previous freedom or identity, and that's not only normal, it's healthy.

Motherhood invites us (and sometimes demands us) to re-evaluate who we are, not just in the eyes of our children, but in the quiet moments when we ask: What parts of me still exist? What parts are emerging?

The Echo of Your Own Mother

For many, becoming a mother reactivates our relationship with our own mother, whether she is loving, complicated, absent, or something in between. We might hear her voice in our heads, repeating phrases or expectations we swore we’d never carry on. We might notice patterns we want to break or desperately wish we had the tools to emulate.

This surfacing can bring up grief, anger, longing, or confusion. It can also offer clarity. As therapists, we often see how the birth of a child can simultaneously awaken the inner child in a mother; one who still longs for nurturing, safety, or even repair.

Letting Go of "Shoulds" and Scripts

Society offers mothers many scripts: Be selfless. Be grateful. Be perfect. Look good doing it. These expectations are not only unrealistic; they are often rooted in societal or culturally outdated ideals that overlook the emotional labor and inner growth that motherhood requires.

The good news? You don’t have to follow those scripts. You can rewrite them. You can create your own motherhood story that honors your needs, values, and pace of growth.

Finding Yourself in the Becoming

The process of becoming a mother is not a one-time event, it is unfolding, evolving, and deeply personal. Some ways to root yourself in that journey include:

• Allowing Ambivalence: You can love your child deeply and still feel overwhelmed, bored, or unsure. That doesn’t make you a bad mother—it makes you human.

• Naming the Losses: Naming what you’ve lost (time, spontaneity, identity) honors your reality. It also creates space for authentic joy—not one that demands you deny your pain.

• Setting Gentle Boundaries: With family, with societal messages, with your own inner critic. You can say no to what (or who!) doesn’t serve you or your child.

• Seeking Support: Therapy, mom groups, spiritual communities—motherhood wasn’t meant to be done alone and even though it is hard, sometimes we have to seek out or create our own “village.” It's hard to put yourself out there, but I guarantee others are seeking exactly what you are. When I run my Mom's groups, almost every woman who comes in the room reports they were looking for somewhere to not feel isolated or alone and it took that brave step of reaching out to find their village of other moms!

Your Motherhood, Your Way

Your journey into motherhood may not look like your mother’s—or like the ones you see on Instagram. And that’s okay. You are allowed to mother in a way that aligns with your truth, even if it means breaking cycles, grieving old ones, or forging a new path without a clear model.

On this Mother’s Day, may you feel seen not just as a mother, but as a woman becoming—worthy of support, discovery, and compassion.

Try the guided reflection below if you’d like to reflect on “who am I in Motherhood?”

Guided Reflection: Who Am I in Motherhood?

Find a quiet moment—whether during nap time, in the car after daycare drop-off, or with your morning coffee. Let this be a space for honesty, not perfection.

Close your eyes and take a few slow, grounding breaths. Then ask yourself:

• What parts of me feel most alive in motherhood?

• What parts of me feel like they’ve gone quiet or disappeared?

• Are there ways I mother myself while I mother my child? What does that look like—or what might I need more of?

• When I think of my own mother (or mother figure), what do I want to carry forward? What do I want to leave behind?

• What kind of mother do I want to be—not the one I think I “should” be, but the one that feels aligned with my values and heart?

  
  

Let whatever comes up be enough. There’s no right answer—only your truth in this season. You are allowed to grow, shift, and reimagine yourself, again and again.