In many relationships, couples fall into the trap of a "tit for tat" mentality—where every action must be matched equally. In my couple’s counseling practice, I’ve seen examples of this such as:
if one partner gets a night out with friends, the other demands the same.
If one takes time for self-care, the other expects an equivalent break.
if one takes on childcare during the weekend for a period of time, the other expects to be met with an equal break from childcare.
I’ve even seen manipulation creep in at times when one partner strategically gives the other a break or support, only to be able to hold it against them knowing they later will need something in return.
While fairness is important, a relationship based on keeping score can quickly become a breeding ground for resentment and emotional distance. When you find yourself in the “what have you done for me lately?” mindset; it’s time to take a step back and talk openly to your partner about your feelings or reflect on the deeper place that this is coming from for you.
Why the "Tit for Tat" Mentality is Harmful
When couples approach their relationship with a transactional mindset, they lose sight of the deeper emotional connection that sustains love. This approach can:
Create a sense of competition rather than teamwork.
Foster resentment when one partner feels they are giving more than they receive.
Lead to a lack of generosity, where partners hesitate to give freely.
Damage trust and emotional security, making the relationship feel conditional.
The Gottman Perspective: Why Generosity is Key
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship experts, emphasize that strong relationships are built on a culture of generosity rather than scorekeeping. Their research highlights that happy couples:
Make "bids" for connection and respond positively to their partner’s needs without expecting something in return.
Practice emotional attunement, where each partner willingly gives because they genuinely care about the other's well-being.
Express gratitude and appreciation freely and with joy rather than focusing on fairness in a rigid, transactional way.
Shifting the Mindset: From Scorekeeping to Giving Freely
To break free from the "tit for tat" cycle, couples can:
Reframe fairness: Instead of focusing on strict equality, aim for mutual support. Ask, "What does my partner need right now?" rather than "What do I get in return?" I often encourage couples to use the analogy of “battery power” and assess where each member is on their “battery power” on any given day. Adopting the mentality that it is usually not going to be 50/50 and that there are some days we will have the battery power to give more and some days we will need to take more. This is normal in a relationship.
Prioritize generosity: Give time, affection, and support freely. Trust that a loving partner will naturally reciprocate over time.
Communicate openly: If one partner feels overwhelmed or neglected, express it as a need rather than a demand.
Celebrate each other's joy: Instead of feeling deprived when your partner enjoys personal time, celebrate their happiness, knowing that, in the end, it enriches the relationship overall.
Love is not a transaction; it is a gift. A relationship thrives when both partners are willing to give without keeping score and when both partners truly find joy in giving the other what they need without any expectations in return. By embracing generosity and focusing on emotional connection rather than rigid fairness, couples can create a partnership filled with trust, appreciation, and lasting love.
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