In relationships, emotional patterns or negative cycling can profoundly influence the way couples interact with and perceive one another. One such pattern, identified by Dr. John Gottman is Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). This concept describes how negative perceptions and emotions can distort a partner’s intentions, even in neutral or positive situations. Over time, NSO can create significant roadblocks to a healthy and fulfilling marriage. When we are stuck in negative sentiment override within our relationships, we view our partner, as well as their intentions, in a negative light that overshadows even positive interactions.
What is Negative Sentiment Override?
Negative Sentiment Override occurs when a person develops a pervasive negative view of their partner, to the extent that their partner’s neutral or positive actions are interpreted as negative. For example:
A partner who brings home flowers might be met with suspicion: “They’re just doing this because they feel guilty about something.”
A suggestion to spend time together could be dismissed as an obligation: “You don’t actually want to hang out; you’re just doing it because you feel like you have to.”
When NSO takes root, even the best intentions are overshadowed by an emotional filter that highlights perceived flaws, criticisms, or ulterior motives. This erodes trust and connection, two critical foundations for a strong marriage.
The Science Behind NSO
Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that NSO is a common dynamic in distressed couples. In healthy relationships, partners tend to give one another the benefit of the doubt—a state known as Positive Sentiment Override (PSO). This mindset allows for grace in misunderstandings, enabling couples to repair conflicts more effectively.
In contrast, NSO can create a cycle of negativity. A partner’s missteps are magnified, while their positive behaviors are ignored or minimized. This reinforces the belief that the relationship is fraught with problems, even when there are opportunities for connection and growth. When working with couples, I like to use the example that when our relationship has positive sentiment override, a small conflict or misstep might be laughed off or quickly forgiven/forgotten. When we are in negative sentiment override, the same small conflict or misstep often turns into a huge fight, stonewalling, criticism or contempt.
How NSO Gets in the Way of a Healthy Marriage
Communication Breakdowns NSO often leads to defensiveness and stonewalling—two of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that predict divorce. When every word or action is interpreted negatively, it becomes nearly impossible to have constructive conversations. In the absence of constructive conversations or self-disclosure, relationships are doomed to remain in a pattern of negative cycling.
Emotional Disconnection Couples stuck in NSO often feel like adversaries rather than teammates. They stop seeking emotional support from each other and may turn to others (or retreat inward), exacerbating feelings of loneliness. Couples move from “we” to “me” when this begins to happen.
Conflict Escalation With NSO, even small disagreements can spiral into major conflicts. Resentment grows as partners assume the worst of each other, making it difficult to resolve issues effectively.
Loss of Fondness and Admiration NSO undermines one of the key predictors of a healthy marriage: fondness and admiration. Over time, the negativity overshadows the positive qualities and shared history that brought the couple together.
Breaking the Cycle of NSO
Fortunately, NSO is not a permanent state. Gottman Therapy offers tools and strategies to help couples shift back to Positive Sentiment Override and rebuild their emotional connection:
Enhancing Emotional Awareness Partners can learn to identify and articulate their own feelings, as well as empathize with their partner’s perspective. Practicing this mindfulness helps couples approach situations with curiosity rather than judgment. When we become genuinely curious about our partner’s love maps and inner world, we are more likely to develop feelings of empathy towards them which can move us into positive sentiments. One way to build upon this is by ritualizing connection time such as couples check-ins.
Rebuilding Fondness and Admiration Gottman Therapy emphasizes exercises that remind couples of their shared history and positive memories. Reflecting on what they admire in each other can rekindle feelings of love and appreciation. Building up our emotional bank account as a couple by concentrating on maximizing deposits can also help build up a sense of fondness, admiration and appreciation.
Repairing Interactions Couples are taught to recognize and respond to bids for connection—small moments of reaching out that can strengthen intimacy. Over time, consistent repair efforts shift the emotional climate from negative to positive.
Practicing Gratitude By consciously focusing on and acknowledging each other’s positive traits and actions, couples can counteract the negativity bias that fuels NSO.
A Path Toward Healing
Breaking free from Negative Sentiment Override takes time and commitment, but it is possible with intention and the right support. Recognizing the signs of NSO is the first step in addressing its impact. As partners work together to rebuild trust, practice open communication, and nurture their emotional bond, they can transform their relationship into one of mutual respect, understanding, joy and overall positivity.
If NSO resonates with you, it is not the end of the story. With dedication and the tools offered in Gottman Therapy, couples can rewrite their narrative and move toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
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