Today, many couples find themselves reaching for their phones or laptops instead of each other after a long day. Screens have become an omnipresent force in our lives, infiltrating even the most intimate spaces of relationships. From checking social media to binge-watching Netflix, it seems easier to tune into a screen than to our partner. But why does this happen? From the lens of Gottman Therapy, a research-based approach to relationships developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the reasons couples prioritize screens over connection has to do with the emotional climate of the relationship as well as our patterns of interaction. Below, we will discuss why this happens along with some ways to break the cycle of screens over connection.
1. Emotional Avoidance and Disconnection
One of the key insights from Gottman Therapy is the importance of "bids for connection," which are attempts by one partner to reach out to the other, whether verbally or non-verbally. These bids can be as small as asking a question or seeking physical affection. Gottman’s research shows that couples who turn toward these bids (respond positively) have healthier, happier relationships. However, when these bids are repeatedly ignored or rejected, couples may begin to emotionally withdraw from one another.
Screens provide a convenient way to avoid uncomfortable emotions or conversations. When couples are struggling with unresolved issues or feel emotionally distant, they may retreat into the virtual world as a form of escapism. The screen becomes a buffer, helping to avoid the potential for conflict or difficult conversations, which can be daunting to face head-on.
2. The Allure of Instant Gratification
Gottman’s research emphasizes the need for emotional intimacy in successful relationships, but emotional intimacy takes time, effort, and vulnerability to build. On the other hand, screens provide instant gratification. Social media, videos, or games offer quick entertainment, distraction, and even a sense of validation through likes, shares, and comments. This quick-hit pleasure from technology can compete with the slower, deeper process of connecting with a partner.
In contrast, emotional connection in a relationship requires mindful engagement, active listening, and empathy—skills that take practice. When faced with the choice of diving into the emotional complexities of a relationship or experiencing the dopamine rush of a viral video, screens can seem like the easier choice.
3. Stress, Fatigue, and Overwhelm
Many couples experience stress and exhaustion due to work, family responsibilities, and personal challenges. In such states, engaging with a partner might feel like an additional effort that one simply does not have the energy for. The Gottmans highlight how chronic stress can take a toll on a relationship by making partners less responsive to each other's needs.
Screens offer a form of low-energy engagement, where one can “veg out” without needing to be emotionally present. Watching a show together or individually scrolling through social media feels like downtime, but this can rob couples of genuine connection, as it keeps them in parallel worlds rather than fostering intimacy through shared experiences and communication.
4. Erosion of Rituals of Connection
Gottman Therapy stresses the importance of “rituals of connection” in relationships. These are intentional, recurring ways that couples nurture their bond, whether through daily check-ins, shared meals, or weekly date nights. In today’s fast-paced, technology-driven world, these rituals are often the first casualties of busy schedules and screen distractions.
Instead of engaging in meaningful conversations during dinner or after putting the kids to bed, many couples sit side by side scrolling through their phones. Rather than discussing their day or checking in emotionally, they might collapse in front of the TV. Over time, these small moments of connection erode, leaving a couple feeling disconnected and isolated despite physically being in the same space.
5. Perceived Emotional Safety in Screens
Another reason couples may choose screens over each other is the emotional safety they feel behind them. Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that one of the four “Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that signal the breakdown of a relationship is defensiveness. Couples who feel judged, criticized, or invalidated by their partner may find themselves retreating into the emotionally safer space that screens provide.
For example, if a partner feels constantly criticized or misunderstood, they may find refuge in their phone, where they can curate their experience, avoid confrontation, and temporarily escape the tension. Unfortunately, this avoidance only deepens the divide, making it harder to address underlying issues in the relationship.
6. Technology Addiction and Its Impact on Relationships
Gottman Therapy also emphasizes how external stressors, like technology, can become internal stressors within a relationship. Technology addiction, while not formally recognized in the same way as substance addiction, can mirror similar behaviors. The compulsion to check a phone, the inability to put it down during a conversation, and the constant distraction from notifications create an emotional barrier in relationships.
The more time spent engaging with technology, the less time and energy there is to devote to fostering emotional intimacy and connection. Over time, this imbalance can create frustration, feelings of neglect, and a sense that screens have become the third party in the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Connection
From a Gottman perspective, the key to overcoming the screen-based disconnect lies in reclaiming moments of connection and reinvesting in emotional intimacy. Here are a few strategies:
Turn Toward Bids for Connection: Make a conscious effort to recognize and respond to your partner’s bids for connection. This could mean putting down your phone when your partner initiates a conversation or showing interest in their day, no matter how mundane it seems.
Create Tech-Free Zones and Times: Set boundaries for screen usage, such as no phones at the dinner table or limiting screen time before bed. This creates space for meaningful conversations and emotional check-ins.
Revive Rituals of Connection: Reintroduce or create new rituals of connection. Whether it's a daily 10-minute check-in or a weekly date night, these moments help build emotional intimacy.
Address Underlying Issues: If screens are being used as an escape from conflict or discomfort, it may be helpful to address those issues with open communication or with the help of a therapist. Couples therapy, especially Gottman Method Therapy, can offer tools for effective communication, conflict resolution, and emotional repair.
While screens offer endless entertainment and distraction, they can come at the cost of emotional intimacy and connection in relationships. By recognizing the role screens play and implementing intentional practices, couples can rediscover each other and build stronger, more fulfilling connections which lead to happier and healthier relationships and lives.
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